What Does It Mean When She Says She Loves You, But Not *That Way*?

Be your own man and give the woman you’re crazy about reason to think of you as a romantic lover.
It’s the oldest line in creation, next to “It’s not you, it’s me.” The woman you’re crazy about looks deep into your eyes and tells you, “I love you… but I’m not in love with you.”
Ouch.
What does that mean, anyway? How can she love you but not feel all the same burning desires that you do? Is there any way you can change her mind, or are you just destined to be her platonic friend?
When Hot Love Turns To Cool Friendship
In an article for the British news source The Times Online, counselor Andrew G. Marshall said that nearly a quarter of the couples who consult him are there because one partner has said, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
Marshall’s advice is for the couple to examine the ever-changing stages of their relationship, and to realize that the white-hot passion of the early part of love cools as time goes on. There’s simply no way for the magic and madness of those early days not to burn out – it’s simply too intense.
As the honeymoon phase cools down, couples often fear that they’re falling out of love, but it’s just a natural part of any mature relationship. You nest, you bicker, you renegotiate… and the good news is, according to Marshall, that couples who make it to 25 or 50 years together often rekindle those old romantic feelings in their golden years! If you’re in a long-term relationship, consider couples counseling. A good counselor can help you find ways of getting over this hump and putting the zing back in your relationship.
“Nice Guy”Syndrome
If you’re one of those men known as a”nice guy,”then you’ve heard some version of this several times by now. She thinks of you as a brother. You’re a great friend, but not what she wants for a boyfriend. Or you’ve been dating for awhile and now, suddenly, she’s telling you that even though she cares for you deeply, there’s no passion.
You’re a nice guy. You’re kind, considerate, giving… how can she not love you? Why do women always want the”bad boys”and not the nice guys? Here’s a tip that you may not like – women actually do like nice guys. What they don’t like are doormats.
If you always drop whatever you’re doing to pick her up and give her a ride somewhere, you’re a doormat. If you always go places she wants to go, see movies that she wants to see, cancel on your friends because she doesn’t like them, and indulge her every whim… you’re a doormat.
Doormats are boring. And while you may be convenient when she needs an escort to a party or a ride to the airport, your lack of a spine is irritating to her. Women want to be men who are confident, and who have strong personalities. While you may think what you’re doing is being”emotionally available,”what you’re really doing is telling her that you’re nothing more than a puppet for her amusement.
Losing The”Nice”
If you want to break free from the”nice guy”syndrome, you just need to be a little more selfish. That’s not to say that you should become a boorish jerk – because women don’t like them, either. But be your own man. If she wants to drag you to the mall and you don’t want to go, say so. Then stand your ground. Tell her you’ll be happy to meet her for lunch or a movie later, but you have no desire to go shopping. Then stand your ground. Sure, she’ll be annoyed at first, but when she sees that you’re no longer a doormat, she’ll have more respect for you.
In the notorious 1995 book for women titled The Rules, authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider laid out a number of tips on how to keep a man interested by keeping him at arm’s length.
Many people criticized the book for encouraging women to be deceitful and play games – and, indeed, many of Fein’s and Schneider’s rules were just plain silly – but the fundamental message was sound. If you’re confident about who you are and you make it a bit of a challenge for her to be with you, you present yourself as someone worth winning. Wait a day before returning a phone call (unless, of course, it’s an emergency). Insist on doing something that you want to do now and then – if she talks you into seeing a sappy chick flick, tell her that next time you get to choose the movie. If you do everything she wants to do all the time, you’re nothing more than an overgrown lap dog.
Make Her Jealous
It’s an old trick, and one that women have been successfully using for centuries. If she doesn’t think about you”that way,”then maybe she needs to see you in a new light.
If you’re single and hoping to turn a platonic relationship into a romantic one, this means you need to change her perception of you. Date other women! When she calls you up, expecting you to be free to spend another Saturday night watching TV at her house, regretfully decline and tell her, “Oh, sorry, I can’t – I have a date.” When you see her, don’t talk about your dates. You’re trying to change her perception of you as a buddy, after all. And besides, the less you tell her, the more her imagination will go crazy! An added bonus of dating while waiting is that you may find another woman who does see you as boyfriend material – who knows, in a few years that hard-to-get woman may be remembering you as the one who got away.
If you’re married or in a long-term relationship, using jealousy to pique interest is a little trickier. For starters, you can’t go out on dates to make her jealous. But if a woman at work pays you a compliment, feel free to pass that information on to you wife or girlfriend. It’s funny how women can take men for granted until they realize that some other woman might want them – dropping a casual, “Jane told me that this tie brings out the color of my eyes” may not sound like much to you, but to her it’s a sign that someone else may be moving in on her territory!
Be The Lover You Once Were
If the problem isn’t”nice guy”syndrome but that your wife or lover has fallen out of love with you, it’s time to reassess your relationship. Have you fallen into a rut? Chances are that the two of you follow the same routine day in and day out, going to work, coming home, eating dinner in front of the TV… lather, rinse, repeat. What you need to do is shake things up a bit.
Take her to dinner at a romantic restaurant. Or even better, get away together for the weekend – it’s amazing what a little sightseeing and a night in a hotel can do! Just about any change in the same old, same old will recharge your relationship. Even picking up a new hobby can bring interest and new topics of conversation into your home. Think back to what it was like when the two of you first got together. You were learning new things about each other and every date was an adventure. Don’t stop having adventures just because you’re”settled down”- even a road trip on a Sunday afternoon can feel like a mini-vacation if you’ve gotten into the couch-potato habit.
Whether the spark’s died in your existing relationship or you’re trying to move from”just friends”to something more substantial, the answer is to be confident, be interesting, and give her a reason to think of you as a lover, not a doormat. Remember that it takes two to make a relationship work – if you do your part to be a vital, passionate lover, she’ll take another look and realize that you’re quite a catch.
Do you know that most relationships and marriage can be LONG LASTING if only you would understand the girl or woman in your life?
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