No one wants to see your public displays of affection

PDA is never okay. Personal Dispensers of Analbeads, Precipitation and Drizzle Appreciation clubs, Poodle and Dalmation Asphyxiation – but the worst of them all are Public Displays of Affection.

If you are a human being who currently feels the need to let the world know that you are in a perfect and loving relationship by engaging in mushy romantic gestures in the middle of an open arena,  then I have no qualms in asking you to cease existing. This may seem harsh, but harshness is necessary to get through to this specific subset of humanity.

For clarification’s sake, let me run through a list of scenarios that are simply not okay, ever; no ifs, no buts, no ‘we weren’t using tongue that’s socially acceptable right? ’…No. It’s not fine. There are no exceptions to the rule that (should be) ingrained in every human being since birth: over the top love for all to see is comparable to dating your second cousin… its just not appropriate regardless of how you try to justify it.

Number 1: It is not okay to kiss on a bus. First of all, nobody is happy to be on a bus in the first place. If you’re on a bus it means you’re not successful enough to be driving to wherever you need to be, which is already sufficiently depressing. Combine that with uncomfortable anus-numbing seats, obnoxious private school kids, Nikki Webster’s strawberry kisses resonating loudly through someone else’s earphones and there’s simply no space for our vision to be heinously obstructed by your lips slapping back and forth like a dog slurping at its water bowl.

Number 2: Boyfriends at festivals, please be aware your girlfriend is not a dog on a leash. If you remove your hands from her waist she won’t be hit with the sudden desire to leave you and hook up with the nearest possible guy. Unless of course you are one of those painfully insecure douchebags, in which case, maybe she will but that’s more a reflection on you than on her.

Number 3: Ass grabs in public are not acceptable. As a male I know the desire to prod that squishy ball of joy is a very real struggle, but after witnessing couples perform the public ass grab on a daily basis – I can confidently say it’s not nearly as cute as you think it is.  Get a nice firm grip of their hand in the meantime and wait until you’re in the elevator for a sneaky squeeze, with her their consent of course.

Number 4: Please don’t sit on top of each other. Please don’t dry hump each other in the university couches trying to be subtle but not being subtle at all. Please don’t feed each other food like a Sea World trainer does in the seal shows.

Number 5: Don’t have sex in public (this also includes oral sex). Being inside of a cheapish club with reasonably dark lighting does not serve as a get out of jail free card on this rule – you still can’t do it. If you are at a level of reasonable sloshedness then a quick club hookup is okay,  but if you extend the invitation and start to gyrate heavily in the middle of the dancefloor, it is my responsibility as a human being to take obnoxious selfies in the middle of your tonsil-hockey and be a general nuisance until you stop.

Number 6: Don’t put your hands in each other’s pockets; it’s not convenient, it’s not comfortable, it makes you step out of sync. And don’t walk on narrow footpaths holding hands, or up stairs holding hands. I don’t want to be stuck behind your nauseating hand foreplay any longer than I have to. While you’re at it, don’t hug each other on an escalator. I’m not one of those douchebags who wants to shave off four seconds from his journey by sprinting up the right- hand side, but I just don’t like looking at you intertwined while I am trying to enjoy the intrinsic and physiological peace that is so kindly provided by the mechanical staircase.

Moral of the post: if you are in a relationship, please don’t ruin the atmosphere by clogging it up with your public displays of affection.  The ozone layer, smokers and the Japanese are already doing their best. Sincerely, the world.